Destiel songfic: why can't you just be lonley?
by Romanticly tragic perfection
Summary: After 10 years of friendship and 4 years of dating, Castiel is ready to call it quits but when Castiel decides to marry Hannah Dean's ready to fight for his man. Based off Marina trench 'So Soon'.


**Why can't you just be lonely?**

**Summary: After 10 years of friendship and 4 years of dating, Castiel is ready to call it quits but when Castiel decides to marry Hannah Dean's ready to fight for his man. Based off Marina trench 'So Soon'.**

**_"That's when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn't the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn't enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn't enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn't. Not enough." ― Jenny Han_ **

* * *

"Dean, we need to talk," Castiel said.

Dean sighed; he knew what Castiel wanted to talk about.

"There's nothing left to say, Cas," he said, drinking half the bottle of whiskey he'd found in the cabinet to disguise how his hands were trembling and how watery his eyes were.

He wasn't going to cry.

He wasn't going to beg.

If Castiel wanted to leave then he could leave.

Dean didn't need him.

Castiel frowned.

"You can't keep avoiding this," Castiel said.

"What do you want me to say, Cas? You've already made up your mind, right?" Dean asked, slamming the bottle on the table.

Castiel flinched.

"I never meant to hurt you, Dean. " he whispered.

"Then why, Cas?" Dean snapped . "It's not too late. Damn it, Cas! We can fix this!" Dean begged.

Castiel shook his head.

"Dean, it is too late." He said.

"We barely talk anymore and sometimes it feels like I hardly know you." Castiel said.

"I can change," Dean said.

"I don't want you to change." Castiel protested. "I love you for who you are. Don't ever think that I don't love you, Dean. I do. I just can't do this anymore. You're a wonderful man, Dean. " Castiel said.

"You don't have to leave. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have." Dean tried.

"We're not the angel and the righteous man anymore. I fell for you, Dean. I gave up being an angel for you and you shut me out." He said.

Dean clenched his Jaw.

"It just feels like you don't really care about us anymore," Castiel said.

Dean looked away and thought of the old trench coat hidden in the back of his closet that he'd fish out of the trash, after Castiel threw it away so he could start dressing normal. He thought of the angel blade in his duffel bag and the game of '**Sorry**' in the hall closet. He thought of the photograph of him and Castiel at that brothel hidden under the clothes in his dresser and Castiel old minute phone that he called sometimes just to hear Castiel's old crazy voicemail recording.

He could reveal it all to Castiel. He could his heart completely. All the little things he kept. All the words he's been holding back. He could pull out the engagement ring that he'd been carrying in his back pocket but had been too afraid of being rejected.

He shook his head. If he bared his heart and Castiel still left then he wouldn't be able to take it.

"Cas, Please," he begged.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel said, ignored the tears in his eyes.

Castiel walked up to Dean and put his hand on Dean's shoulder in the spot where his handprint had once been. "You mean more to me than anyone, Dean Winchester. You taught me how to trust myself, which is why this is what I have to do."

Dean said nothing.

He watched as Castiel walked to the hall closet and grabbed a packed bag.

"Cas, I-I-I need you… I know you, isn't that enough?" Dean asked.

Castiel shook his head. "No. It isn't. I need more, Dean." He said.

Dean felt trapped. He didn't know what to say.

There had to be something that he could do.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I don't know where I'm going, Dean. Even if I did, I probably wouldn't tell you. I can't stay here." He explained.

"Why can't you just stay here?" Dean asked.

Casey closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

"I can't Dean. Not now but we can still be friends, can't we?" Castiel asked.

Dean said nothing just shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

Castiel nodded in acceptance.

He opened the door and walked out without looking back.

* * *

"I met someone," Castiel said.

It had been two years since they broke up. It had been six months since they started trying to be friends again.

Dean flinched and forced a smile.

"That's great, buddy." He lied. "Who is it?" he asked.

Castiel smiled.

"Her name is Hannah. She used to be an angel but she fell. She's just like me in so many ways. I think she understands me…better than anyone I've ever been with." He said, not meeting Dean's eyes.

Dean nodded, pretending that hadn't hurt.

"I understand why you like her…she sounds…perfect." Dean said, trying to pretend his heart wasn't breaking.

"I invited her here to meet you. She should be here any minute." Castiel explained, looking at the door.

Dean knew the moment she arrived by the way Castiel's face lit up. He turned to see who had stolen Castiel's heart.

She looked uptight, with dark hair, and a stern face. She didn't look like the type of person Castiel would go for.

Castiel kissed her when she came over and Dean looked away.

"Hannah, this is my best friend Dean Winchester." He introduced.

Hannah frowned for a moment.

She'd probably heard all about him from the other angels.

But she smiled a second later and held out her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Dean," she said.

Dean faked a smile and shook her hand.

"Thank you," he said.

_He wished he could say the same.__**.**_

He watched them all night. The way Hannah grabbed his sleeve whenever Castiel introduced her to someone. How he took the time to explain human customs anytime she looked confused. The way they talked, the way they laughed, the way they kissed, and he felt jealous.

He had always hoped that maybe he and Castiel would get back together someday.

* * *

Dean sat at the bar watching Hannah and Castiel dance at Sam's reception.

Sam was marrying Amelia, who had finally tracked him down after he'd left her.

She divorced Don and the two had been together a year.

He knew it was wrong to torture his self like this but he couldn't tear his eyes away.

Castiel came over to get Amelia a drink.

He stood beside Dean and Dean breathed deeply at his closeness.

He missed having Castiel in his personal space.

"Having fun?" Dean asked bitterly, before he could stop himself.

Castiel looked confused by his tone.

"Yes, I am. Are you?" he asked.

Dean nodded and Castiel took the drink back to Hannah.

Dean spent the next 30 minutes watching them socialize.

He was glad it was an open bar or else he'd be broke.

He drank every time Castiel smiled, every time he laughed, every time he touched _her._

24…Drink…25…Drink…26…

Sam pried Drink 26 out of his hands before it could touch his lips and placed it on the counter.

"Party's over," he said. "Time to go home,"

Dean shook his head. "I can't go home," he slurred.

Sam frowned.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Cas, isn't there," he said, drunkenly.

Sam sighed. "I know it's been hard on you…but you've got to move on. Cas has Hannah and they're happy. You should try to be happy too." Sam said.

Dean felt the tears form in his eyes and he tried to get to his feet.

"Why can't he just be lonely like me?" Dean asked.

Sam didn't say anything; he dragged Dean away from the bar and shoved him in a cab.

"Where do you want to go?" the cab driver asked.

Dean leaned back and closed his eyes.

* * *

Castiel opened his door surprised to find Dean drunk – very drunk, judging by his messy appearance and the way he was swaying where he stood – on his door step.

"Dean, what are you doing here?" Castiel asked.

Dean crumbled at the sound of his voice, looking miserable, like he could barely hold himself together.

Castiel had never seen Dean look so hopeless before.

"What happened?" Castiel asked, thinking the worse.

He moved aside to let Dean in and Dean leaned back against it when it was closed.

"Why-" Dean slurred, stopping then cursed. "Damnit! Why?" he tried again, tearing up.

Castiel put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Dean, please. Tell me what happened?" he asked.

"Why couldn't you just be lonely?" Dean asked.

"Wha-?" he started but he was cut off when Dean grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a desperate whiskey flavored kiss,

Castiel responded instinctively.

They kissed passionately for a few minutes before Castiel pushed him away.

"No," Castiel said.

Dean crumbled and finally fell apart.

"I'm sorry," he slurred.

"Why can't you just be lonely…lonely…lonely?" he asked, repeating the question over and over.

Castiel managed to get Dean on the couch where Dean fell asleep instantly.

When Castiel woku up in the morning Dean was gone.

Later, when he was watching t.v. with Hannah he received a text from Dean.

'Sorry, '

* * *

After that night Dean stayed away from Castiel and away from Sam. He moved in with Charlie and stopped hunting. He realized that he had a problem with alcohol so he tried to stop drinking but it was hard. Charlie convinced him to get some help. So he started going to A.A meetings. He got a job as a cook at a dinner and decided tto start dating again.

But no matter how many women or men he dated he never felt anything like what he felt for Castiel.

There was also there was also a fear than if he couldn't make it work with Cas then no one would ever love him.

He tried to bury those thoughts but they kept coming back . He knew it was hopeless but a part of thought that if he became a better person then Castiel would come back to him.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Dean, " Charlie said, after Dean came back early from his date.

Dean glared at her, warning her to drop it.

"I'm not doing anything, " he said, grabbing a beer out of the fridge before remembering that he didn't drink anymore and trading it for a coke.

"He's not coming back, " Charlie continued as though he hadn't spoken.

"Charlie, " he warned.

She rolled her eyes.

"You have to move on eventually. " she said.

"I can't! " Dean snapped, throwing the bottle at the wall making Charlie flinch.

"You think i want this? You think i like feeling like this? Like half of a person? I wish to God i could stop! But i can't! I love him Charlie. I love him more than anything! I love him more than pie or the impala. I love him more than anything and i know It's wrong and it pathetic because he's with Hannah but i don't care. I'm never going to stop loving him !" Dean yelled.

Charlie took a step back at Dean violent outburst.

"Dean. .." she trailed off not knowing what to say.

Dean closed his eyes and breathed through his nose to calm down.

"I, Dean Winchester, will always be in love with Castiel until the day i die. That's just the way it is." He said, grabbing his jacket and heading for the door.

"Dean, where are you going? " Charlie asked, trying to stop him.

"Out!" He growled, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Dean shouldn't have been surprised to find Castiel waiting for him when he got back.

" Charlie call you? " Dean asked, not bothering with pleasantries.

Castiel shook his head.

"I was worried so i tracked the GPS in your phone. " he admitted.

Dean nodded, impressed that Castiel had tracked him down but unsure what that meant.

"How have you been Dean? " Castiel asked.

Dean thought about it.

_Miserable._

_Lonely._

_Missing you like crazy._

"Good, " Dean lied. "I've got a job and. .." Dean paused and swallowed. " I gave up drinking. .. been sober for two months now, " he said.

Castiel smiled. " That's great ,Dean. You sound like your doing well." Castiel said.

Dean nodded and looked down at his feet.

"How's Hannah? " he asked.

Castiel looked away. "She's ... great. We... we've moved in together. " He stuttered.

Dean barely reacted. "Good. " he said. "I've started dating again. " he said casually,

Castiel's eyes darkened but he held his composure.

"That's ... very nice " Castiel said.

"Yeah, I've finally got it all figured out. " Dean said, lying though his teeth.

"Well I've got to go, " Castiel said.

Dean nodded.

"We should go out for lunch sometime. " Castiel suggested.

"That would be good, " Dean agreed, hoping 'WE' meant Castiel &amp; Dean and not Castiel &amp; Hannah and Dean.

"Goodbye" Castiel said, leaving.

"I love you, " Dean whispered when Castiel was too far too hear.

* * *

Dean and Castiel easily fell back into routine. They hung out all the time, meeting everyday for lunch. Castiel was still working at the gas station which wasn't far from where Dean worked. They were back to talking about everything except Hannah who was still living with Castiel.

Out of sight out of mind, Dean thought as he invited Castiel to Charlie's for a Harry Potter movie marathon.

" I'll be there, " Castiel promised and Dean hoped maybe they could work things out.

"Dean, he's living with Hannah, " Sam said, when he caught Dean texting Castiel during Dinner.

Dean didn't look up from his phone.

"It's not going to last, " Dean said.

"Castiel thinks you guys are friends and he trusts you, " Sam said, giving Dean a bitch face.

Dean glared at Sam.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean growled.

Sam glared back.

"No, Dean. Hannah is a nice girl and she loves Cas. Their happy. You need to back off. " Sam warned.

"He was mine first !" Dean yelled. "He was my boyfriend before he became hers. He was my everything before he became her Anything! " Dean exploded.

Sam looked sympathetic.

"I know how hard this is for you. .." Sam started but Death stopped him.

" Don't Sam, " he hissed.

Sam held up his hands in resignation.

"Fine, but you know I'm right, " Sam said, leaving Dean alone.

Dean looked down at his phone.

'Can't meet today. Something came up." Cas texted.

Dean clenched his fist and glared at his phone . He would bet anything that the Something that came up was Hannah "

He looked at the sprite on the table and threw it in the trash.

He wanted a beer.

He deleted the message and shoved his phone in his duffle bag,

* * *

Dean felt sick. He and Castiel were supposed to be meeting for dinner then Dean was going to teach Castiel to play pool but instead Castiel showed up with Hannah.

He glared at the couple from across the table. Any hope Dean felt earlier was gone replaced by envy and anger.

Dinner was awkward and uncomfortable. Dean would talk to Castiel and shut Hannah out which he loved but Hannah could gain Castiel's attention by kissing his cheek or grabbing his hand which made Dean tremble with rage.

He hated her.

If he had an angel blade on him he would have lept across the table and slit her throat. He glanced down at his steak knife and fought the urge.

"So there's a reason i brought Hannah here tonight, " Castiel said, nervously, not meeting Dean's eyes.

"We're engaged!" Hannah said.

Dean's chest burst opened and his heart fell into pieces on the table.

"No," Dean said.

Castiel frowned.

"What? " he asked.

Dean shook his head.

Dean ran out of the restaurant with Castiel chasing him.

"Dean, what's wrong? " he asked, grabbing Dean's arm.

"You're getting married! You barely know her!" Dean yelled.

"We've been together for a year and i knew her back in heaven. " Castiel said.

"But you can't marry her! " Dean pleaded.

"It's too soon," Dean said.

"No, it's not. " Castiel argued.

"Yes it is!" Dean yelled.

"Why?" Castiel asked and Dean lost it.

"Because I love you and I never stopped thinking about you!" he shouted.

Castiel's face softened and it looked like he was about to say something.

Then his eyes darkened and he glared at dean.

"I can't believe you would say that to me. not now, when I'm engaged to someone else." he said.

"I don't know what you're talking about?' Dean said, confused.

"You never said that you loved me before...not even once." Castiel said.

"That's not true," Dean said, with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"You've always said you _**need**_ me or that we were _**family.**_ Now you throw the words out there like they mean nothing," he growled.

"But I mean it Cas, I Do love you," he said.

Castiel shook his head. "Yeah, well...I don't love you," he said, and went back in the restaurant.

Dean stood there with his heartbroken unable to move.

Dean left town after that. He just got in his car and hit the road.

He didn't know where he was going or if he'd ever come back.

He glanced at the empty passenger seat next to him.

* * *

"Do you still love him?" Charlie asked Castiel.

"No, I don't," he said, not meeting her eyes.

"The old Castiel loved Dean so much that he gave up heaven to be with him. Feelings like that don't just go away," she said.

Castiel met her gaze with cold, blue steel.

"Yeah, well that Castiel died the second he hit the ground," He said. "I'm not him anymore,"

Charlie nodded.

"You're right. You're not the same person you were back then. That was a different Dean too. That Dean and Castiel's story is was about romance and destiny and fate.  
But you're different, now. You _**both**_ are," she said.

"They were star-crossed lovers, the righteous man and his angel. The hunter and a warrior of heaven…" she was going to say more when Castiel cut her off.

"What's your point?' he asked.  
You're human now. You write your own story like you did with your job and with Hannah. You chose your own path," she stated and Castiel's shoulders slumped.

"Yeah, but you can't choose who you love." He muttered.

Charlie shook her head. "You're right. You don't. But you can choose whether or not you open your heart to love."

"What do you want me to say? That I love Dean. That I never stopped loving him. That I miss him every second of everyday and that I need him…That I'm sorry and I wish I could take back every…every…" and something snapped inside of him. He started crying, harsh, dangerous sobs of a man who doesn't do this sort of thing.

"I love him so much," he cried.

"Tell him," Charlie begged. "If you love him and he loves you everything will work out."

Castiel laughed bitterly through the tears.

"Yeah, I love him," he said, "But sometimes love isn't enough,"

* * *

Dean had no idea what he was doing. He should be as far away from here as possible.

Instead, he was sitting in the back of the church wearing Castiel's trench coat.

This was pathetic.

It was desperate.

It was crazy.

But it was all he had left.

"Steve _Castiel_ Novak," Dean snorted, at the name Castiel chose.

"Do you take Caroline _Hannah_ Johnson to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you-," the preacher started and Dean stood up.

"Cas, you can't!" he shouted and everyone in the church turned to stare at him.

"I'm sorry, but you just - you can't, because I love you, and because you came to me! Remember that day? You came to me because you felt like **I**was the only one who would help you. Because that day changed everything, and I didn't know it at the time. But slowly you started to fix me, you healed my heart. And the last time we were together I know I didn't treat you as well as I should. But I was scared. I was scared because I needed you so much and so I shut you out. But don't you dare think that was because I didn't love you because I did…I do. I love you, Cas." He confessed.

Castiel looked at Dean then back at Hannah.

"I'm sorry," he said...

_**(To be continued)**_

* * *

**Author's note: I know the ending was abrupt. but I ran out of things to write. **


End file.
